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Sometimes,
It Hurts Just To Look
One
of my weird hobbies is a compulsion to cruise through Craigslist
looking for interesting bikes and models I've never heard of. Over
the years, I've had many instances of involuntary cringing and leg
crossing, sympathetic back pain and downright amazement at some
of the bike setups. In may cases, you can tell exactly why the person
"didn't end up riding" a given bike. The phrase "eggregious
examples of poor bicycle fit" comes to mind. So, for some odd
reason, I've started collecting them. If the ad listing text isa
thing of partcularly sublime beauty, I've included it in quotes.
(I
don't like to pick on the postings for long-neglected or forgotten
Schwinn Varsitys, or the Magna that someone bought a couple months
back over at Tar-zhey. The ones which particularly crack me up are
the listings aksing top dollar for "enthusiast" bikes
which contain horrible photos, or minimal and cryptic listings.)
There's
a theory that you can learn good design by looking at bad
design. I think the same can be said for bike setup. You can
look at most of these and see in an instant why the soon-to-be-ex-owner
is selling it. "Never got comfortable"...
Some
of the others are just funny.
Oh,
and if one of these is yours, and you don't think it's funny, email
me and I'll take 'em down.
The
"Quick Guide" below is based upon comparing descriptions
with photos, and in some cases, the actual item for sale.
A
Quick Guide to Craigslist Bicycles For Sale Ad Terminology:
Stated
= Reality
Classic
= Rusted
Retro
= Dirty and Rusted
Vintage = Dirty, Rusted, Missing Parts
- Found in Parents' Storage Unit
Unique = I found lots of extra parts
in my parents' garage and made this bike
Racing
Bike
= Stem shifters, brakes with "safety" levers, huge pie-plate
steel spoke protector.
Italian Race Bike = 70's Bike Boom
model from Taiwan with a low-end Campy derailleur
Classic French Design = No shop within
800 miles of you will have compatibly sized or threaded parts
Super Light Race Bike = 10 year old
Cannondale road frame with a closeout mail-order carbon fork swaged
into the headset
80's Vintage Race Bike = It will feature
the most amazing combination of incompatibly hued paint you have
ever seen
Tall Road Bike = Wow, this must be
for someone who's, like almost 6 feet tall!
Old-School Track Bike = Schwinn Varsity
with a sprocket force-threaded onto the rear hub
Hardcore Pista, used twice = Email
responses only, my jaw is still wired
Cross
Bike with Classic Parts = Three season old Cross Bike (which
age in dog-years) with all the worn-out parts left from the last
upgrade
Never Raced = Last number still zip-tied
to top tube
Works
= I mean, I haven't actually looked at it, but I remember someone
rode it once
Race-Ready
= Rattles like hell
Serviceable = Chain is rusted solid
Needs New Tires = Tires need air
Recently Tuned = Used half a can of
3in1 Oil on the chain
A few nicks = dents deep enough to
hold water
A few scratches = Major Chainsuck bites
that have been wrapped with duct tape
Needs some TLC = Major Resto Project
that will bleed you dry
Project Bike = Run Away, Run Away!
Need to Sell = Don't want to sell,
so I'm asking $50 under original retail
MUST SEE!!! = No Photos (submitted
by alan f.)
Well
Maintained Hardtail = Ridden within an inch of its life,
but I just bought a new full suspension
Dictionary:
Break = Brake - noun - a means
of slowing a bicycle
Wheel = Tire - noun - the rubber
thing that needs air
Wheel = Tube - noun - the rubber
thing inside the tire that needs air
Wheel = Rim - noun - the metal
thing that keeps rubbing the brake pad when you ride it
Chopper
Style - "I can't see my front wheel, but damn, I look good!"
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Nose
Down Landing - "Why are my arms so tired?"
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Now,
That Just Can't Fit Anyone... -
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"Was
built in 1995, one owner (now with a back problem)"
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You
do want to be nice to the person who has that kind
of reach... |
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"Exercise
in Design 101 - Defining the Subject" or "Why isn't
my bike selling?"
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Cool
bike, does it come with two sets of wheels? |
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This
is just a classic - the seller was trying to get around a grand
for this "fast TT bike", and I guess you can tell
from the airplane wing downtube that it must be "aero"...
But the sheer invisibility of any component, highlighted by
the non-driveside photo angle, makes this a poster child for
CL listings gone wrong... |
Honestly...do
you people look at your photos before you upload them? Or
is the movement supposed to suggest how fast this bicycle
is?
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"Can
you see me now?"
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It
was bound to happen - combine a cheap/free camera phone with
the need to pay the cell bill and there you have it...
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"Put
down the paint gun and step away from the acid!"
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Special
"Spinal Tap" Award Of Merit
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These
were the only three photos posted with an ad for a Cannondale
mtb. Took me a while to figure out what the seller was trying
to get across in these photos.
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Then,
I realized - it goes up to "11"...
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"Cashing
in on the Wheelsize Conversion Craze" Award of Merit
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I'm
still sort of puzzling this one out... It is a Bridgestone
MB-3 which has had it's wheels converted to 700C. Perhaps
they'd read about the whole 650B thing (or even the 603
dream to be) and wanted to show folks how easy it was.
Or
perhaps this is a project gone horribly, horribly wrong...
Your
guess is as good as mine.
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Uniquely
Bizarre
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This
one just struck me as one of those moody European or art-school
films. Pensive, pondering, looking out the window of a shabby
apartment...the insoucient non-drive-side positioning...
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...
whoops, now it's a theme. "Please take me for a ride..."
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The
ad was for the bike, not the dog...
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...spends its days barking at all the other bikes as they
get to go on rides...
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...I
guess it likes hanging out at the playground, doing chin-ups.
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Words
Cannot Suffice -
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"$80
- Professionally Assembled!"
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Better
Fender coverage?
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Top
tube Detail
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